Hello Friends!

I stumbled upon this post that I wrote right after our miscarriage in 2016. I want to share this in hopes that someone else doesn’t feel so alone. Here it is…

I had the hardest time not only trying to come up with the title of this post, but also the content. Cole and I just went through a miscarriage at the end of August, and it was the hardest obstacle we have ever came across. No matter how hard it was to put it on here, I strongly believe that our story could help other couples cope with this common type of loss. One of the hardest aspects, for me at least, was feeling so alone. Not in the sense that no one was physically there, because so many people around us showered us with love and support, but it was more of a “why did this happen to me” type of alone feeling. The only thing that really gave me instant comfort was the untold miscarriage stories of the women around me.

Now I want to begin with how it all started and hopefully give comfort to other couples going through a similar situation. It all started at the beginning of June 2016, when Cole and I decided to start trying for a family. Cole and I have always loved children and talked about having a big family of our own one day. We realized that one aspect of deciding to have a bigger family, is deciding to start a family young. We felt that it was the right time to start trying, and found comfort knowing there could be happiness in the future at a very sad time.

Cole’s grandmother passed away on June 6th. This was one of the hardest losses that Cole has ever experienced. She was a kind, thoughtful, devoted and loving grandmother that we think about every day. Our family feels this loss often and we were looking forward to new life. 

We found out that we were pregnant on June 20th, 2016 and had our first appointment scheduled a few weeks later. I can’t even find the words to describe how excited we were about the blessing that God gave us. We told almost our whole family because we just couldn’t dare keep this a secret.

Then about a week later, on the morning of July 4th, I woke up abruptly and ran into the bathroom to find that I began bleeding. I will never forget how heartbroken and scared we were as we were holding each other in the bathroom just crying together. We immediately went to the ER because our Midwife’s office wasn’t open (because it was a holiday). After about four hours of waiting in anticipation, all the doctor could tell us is that he was pretty sure that we miscarried and that we should see a specialist in two days to confirm. Since it was so early in the pregnancy, it was almost impossible to see if there was an embryo. So the only way to find out if we had a miscarriage was to test our HCG levels in two days and see if they went down or doubled.

The next two days we just spend holding each other in bed, crying, and mourning the loss of our baby. To many it wasn’t a baby at all, but just an embryo. But to us it was the beginning to our family. The worst part was that our friends and family were mourning with us. Anyway,  after the two days passed, we went to the specialist who conducted another ultrasound and some blood tests. To make matters more confusing, the specialist found an embryo and that my HCG levels doubled.  At this point, the specialist felt that we were still pregnant and that we should still see our midwife on our already scheduled date.

Our friends and family rejoiced with us when we told them the news. We cautioned them that something could still go wrong, and to be prepared. But most of them suggested that bleeding can be normal during pregnancy and that everything would probably be just fine. Which is just fine. Even when we went in for our appointment with our midwife at 7 weeks, they found a heartbeat. Watching that little heart flickering on the screen just made me instantly burst into tears. Our baby was alive!

We weren’t scheduled to go back to see our midwife until our 12 week mark. During this time I was bleeding very lightly and my midwife was confident that everything was going to be alright and that I was just going to be a bleeder during my pregnancy. The sad part was there was not a single indication that something was wrong. All of my tests came back perfect, my health was ideal, and my emotional state had never been better. We had our Facebook pregnancy announcement all  made and ready to go to post after our appointment, but we weren’t able to post it… ever.

When I went in to our appointment, I didn’t have a single doubt in my mind. I was having many of the wonderful symptoms of pregnancy. I was nauseous, had tender breasts, and my belly just started to make it’s appearance. But when I went in, my midwife could not find our little one’s heartbeat. It appeared that I had a missed miscarriage, or also known as a silent miscarriage. My uterus  was the size that it was supposed to be for a 12 week pregnancy. But inside the sack was my underdeveloped baby. It appeared that the development just stopped progressing shortly after my 7 week appointment. At this point we had three options. 

1. Let the body miscarriage naturally

2. Take a pill that induces the process

3. D & C operation

My first instinct was to let my body naturally take its course, but my midwife insisted that if my body hadn’t identified the loss already then it probably wouldn’t. I then could not see myself going under a surgery, so I called Cole to let him know what happened and what he thought we should do. He ultimately wanted me to make the choice, but he didn’t like the idea of the D & C. So we chose the second option.

That was one of the most horrific experiences. If I could choose again I would have chosen the operation. Not only was the experience physically traumatizing, but also emotionally. Losing this pregnancy has now cursed me with many bad days. Some days I just cry off and on all day, and other days I can be happy and function normally. But one thing is for certain, I would not have gotten through this without Cole.

I know that this experience is horrific. I do. I know that it will be like a record and play over and over in your head. I know that you will try to overanalyze everything and try to see what you could have done differently. But you couldn’t have done anything to have prevented what happened. Creating a living being is a complicated process, and every single aspect of it has to go right. One thing that I have learned is that no matter how hard it is to talk about it, it is essential to talk to your spouse about your feelings and learn about their thoughts about it as well. 

There is a reason why it takes two to make this human being. It’s because you need each other. Whether your baby is born or is lost in pregnancy, you need each other. Something Cole taught me is that it is okay to cry and be sad when you lose someone. It is apart of the healing process. If you want to cry, then cry! Don’t feel sorry about it! But it is important to remember that life moves on and that no matter what you won’t ever forget that baby. That baby will be in your thoughts, prayers, and memories forever.

Everyone heals differently. So take the time to figure out what you and your partner need for closure. Whether that means talking about it, releasing balloons, or lighting a candle in honor of your baby. Just know that you aren’t alone and that there are survivors out there. Don’t give up hope.